To Find Meaning
by snowflake07
Summary: To live is to suffer. To survive is to find meaning in the suffering.


**The Formalities: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. **

**Warnings: Mature themes and situations, including torture, dismemberment, death. If you were hoping for a fluff piece for Ulquiorra and Orihime that is not this story. **

**To set the stage: a peak into the time Orihime spent in Hueco Mundo and what may have occurred. I know, I know-because that hasn't already been done to death...Oh well here is my contribution to add to the fray. Inspired by Suffering and Redemption by Kumonoito. **

* * *

_To live is to suffer. To survive is to find meaning in the suffering. _

_-Friedrich Nietzche_

"Do you know what this cubed prism is, Orihime?"

She stood before the man who all the Seireitei was looking for.

"N-No…Lord Aizen."

"It's called a caja de negación, a gift for the most elite group of Arrancar, the Espada. It is a closed dimension, entirely separate from this one and everything associated it."

He smiled at her then.

"Tell me Orihime, do you know why I asked Ulquiorra to bring you here?"

"He—he told me that you want by my abilities."

"That is correct. I have already asked you to demonstrate them, but now I must ask you for something else. I wish to know the extent of your abilities and I wish to use this tiny prism to do so."

"What—what do I have to do?" She hated how she stuttered.

"You just have to simply find your way out."

Behind her Ulquiorra stirred.

"Is there a problem Ulquiorra?"

A terse silence filled the room. She was missing something important. There was more going on here than she was aware of.

"Well, Orihime what do you say? Will you help me satisfy my curiosity?"

"Yes, Lord Aizen."

"Wonderful."

He stood, descending from his throne, the tiny prism in his palm. His steps echoed through the hall and she fought not to jump with each footfall. When he was before her, Orihime stared into russet eyes and realized they lacked the warm depth of Ichigo's.

Aizen's palm pressed against her chest, beneath it the prison dug into her skin. For few moments nothing happened and Orihime wondered if she was supposed to do something more than stand there dumbly looking into the eyes of the man who wanted to destroy the world and everything she held dear in it.

As she was about to voice her thoughts, she became aware of a burning sensation emanating from the skin beneath his palm. The burning became a pulling. It felt like her body was being pulled in every direction from the inside out. Light flitted around her but instead illuminating the room further it seemed to pull everything in.

The room grew dark and began to fade from her vision. It was hard to breathe, a heavy weight had settled on her chest bringing her to her knees. Sosuke Aizen's cold brown eyes were the last thing she saw before darkness took her.

After dismissing the Espada, the former captains remained. Gin Ichimaru's voice broke the silence.

"Ya realize she's as good as dead? People who enter the caja de negación are never meant to come out. They suffer a fate worse than death."

"I have a good feeling, Gin, that our Orihime-chan won't disappoint us."

In the beginning, there was nothing but the wind - a harsh biting wind that howled loudly in her ears deafening her, crippling her. She couldn't stand against it or walk anywhere that would give her shelter. She could only curl her back against the frigidness of it.

This was how Orihime spent the first day.

It occurred to her that she could use her powers on the second day. She formed a triangular prism around herself, sealing out the blustering force. The howl of the wind died, replaced instead with a deafening silence that of no more comfort than the wind's howl. At first, she had been grateful for quiet. She felt that there was room to breathe, to think.

But as time stretched on her thoughts turned against her. There was no one here with her, of that she was sure. And as much as she feared him, she wished she had at least Uquiorra's presence at her side. If only to inform her of her impending death.

Her thoughts wandered.

_The only thing you have is the rope to the guillotine in which your friends have placed their heads._

She thought of all the people who had been hurt because of her, who had died helping her: the two shinigami in the Dongai Precipice, those people at the park, because she hadn't been strong enough to protect them, Ichigo and Rukia, her classmates, Chad and Uryuu…all the blood that had been spilled because she was too weak do anything but cower and cry. This was how Orihime spent her second day.

On the third day, Orihime began to search and investigate. She couldn't really say her outlook had changed or that she was any less despondent than before, but despondency wouldn't solve anything for her. As guilty as she felt about the pain she caused her friends Orihime had decided that she felt more selfish than guilty. She wanted to see them again even if it was as their enemy. And in order to do that she had to find a way to leave this place. Aizen hadn't told her anything about the place she was in except that it was a closed dimension alternate to the one she had come from.

But a dimension, any dimension, had to obey certain rules in order to maintain its stability and existence. This one was no different. There were rules. They just didn't have to be the same ones that governed the world where she came from. Orihime spent the remainder of the day seeking out reiatsu, anything that she could discern. At first there was nothing, nothing but the maddening silence that her been her companion up until this point. After several hours, however, she began to feel a slight vibration, a hum that permeated throughout the whole dimension. Several more hours passed and she began to recognize it for what it was; the hum of spiritual pressure, not the spiritual pressure itself, but the actual imprint it made on the world. That imprint made a noise, it left a residue. What she heard was not that of an individual but of an entire world.

It sang through her resonating with her soul. And the more Orihime concentrated on the hum, the more she began to understand the rules.

On the fourth day she began to bend the rules to her will. It was tedious and slow going. She was tired; lack of food and sleep, and constant use of her own power had taken an immense toll. Today had to be last day or she would die here, something she couldn't afford to do if she wanted to see her friends again. Orihime called forth all of the power within her forcing her spiritual pressure to mimic the vibrations of the dimension, harmonizing with it. Then she began to make small - minute at first, insignificant and irrelevant but more and more profound with each passing moment until finally she began to blatantly change the rules.

The world tilted on its axis and pulsed violently once, before everything began to crack apart. Fissures of light expanded in the space around her. Orihime toyed briefly with the idea of returning home to Karakura Town but ultimately decided that doing so would serve no one. It would only bring more death and she didn't want that.

She stepped out of the negación into the barren lands of Hueco Mundo. The fortress of Las Noches loomed short distance in front of her. It was Ulquiorra who found her first and the relief she felt at the site of him bordered on painful. She shouldn't feel so glad to see someone who would so willingly kill her. He led her back to the great hall where for some reason all the Espada had already been gathered, where Aizen waited on his throne.

Aizen smiled so genuinely when she was presented to him that she felt like a daughter looking into the face of a doting father. Something she never had experienced before. It was thrilling and yet perverse that such a wonderful feeling could be fostered by someone like him.

"You've succeeded in your first undertaking as a soldier of this army. You have done well. Welcome, Orihime, you are now fit to be called an Espada."

"Lord Aizen has asked to see you again."

Several days had passed since she emerged from the caja de negación. She'd been fed and re-clothed in a standard issue uniform, and for the most part, left alone. Ulquiorra was her only visitor bringing her meals.

"I know. This isn't out of the ordinary though. He's asked me to attend the Arrancar meetings before."

"This is true. What is different is that Lord Aizen has informed me that he has a task for you and he will ask you to complete it tonight."

"What-what does he want me to do?"

"I don't know. I haven't been informed."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because it's my duty to ensure that you understand your position here. You are a soldier for Lord Aizen's army. Everything that you do is to serve him. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Tonight he will ask you do something. You must do it regardless of the task without question and without hesitation. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Recite the loyalty pledge."

"My mind and my body exist to serve Lord Aizen and his will."

"His will alone. Failure is not an option."

"Yes, Ulquiorra."

"Very well then. Let's go."

" Ah, Orihime. I'm so glad you could join us this evening. I trust you are well?"

"Yes Lord Aizen, I am well."

The meeting proceeded much in the same way previous ones had. They decided new areas of attack, manners of suppressing hollow villages that were still rebellious, discussed strategies against the shinigami, brainstormed ways of infiltrating Karakura, learned status on the progress of new technology in development. It was nothing that had anything to do with her, and so she was lulled into the false sense of security that Ulquiorra had been mistaken. That Lord Aizen wanted nothing from her, would ask nothing of her. She was a fly on the wall, and a forgotten one at that. It wasn't until after the meeting had concluded and Gin had dismissed the Espada that Lord Aizen addressed her.

"Orihime, dear, step forward. There is a small matter which requires attention; however, I feel that you are the most appropriate candidate to preside over it. Will you accompany me? It would be much easier to explain everything if you were to see for yourself."

"Yes, Lord Aizen."

Orihime hadn't expected to come across a little girl, a human girl. Her clothes were tattered, and her hair matted and dirty. She cowered in the back of a small cave, huddled near a dying fire. And she was very much alive, not a spirit or lost soul but a living, breathing child.

"How did she get here?" asked Orihime.

"We think she was carried in through a gargantua created by a lesser hollow who was subsequently killed," supplied Ulquiorra.

"We-we could wipe her mind and send her back. She wouldn't remember, no one would know…"

"Unfortunately, this is not possible," replied Aizen. "A person with spiritual pressure as weak as hers is not meant to traverse between the worlds of the living and the dead. A return trip will destroy her soul leaving behind an empty shell. She will be essentially a walking corpse. I asked you here, Orihime, to decide her fate. Since she cannot return to her world, you will decide her place in this one. As I see it you have three options. You may her leave to the hollows of Las Noches in which case her soul would be torn to shreds. Or you may kill her and preserve it so that it may pass into the next life. Or you may leave her fate to be decided by me, however I will admit that I'm curious to see what action you may take."

"Please, she's just a child…" Orihime could feel tears in her eyes.

"I am well aware, Orihime, and as I said if you so wish you may leave her fate to me."

What could she do? Orihime couldn't leave this girl to die here. She could not leave her fate to be decided by the hollow here or Aizen. Either she would die a terribly painful and frightening death or worse, if you could call it that, she wouldn't be killed at all. The girl would become a plaything, a pawn or an experiment just as she was. No, Orihime couldn't leave the girl to that fate. At least she understood, Orihime knew what this world was, had actively chosen to become a part of it for the sake of her friends. This girl knew nothing of this world, even now Orihime was unsure whether she had the spiritual pressure to even discern the creatures of this world. Did she see Ulquiorra, Gin, and Lord Aizen standing in front of her? There was only one thing she could do.

Orihime stepped forward, freeing herself from the cloak of spiritual pressure. The girl's frightened eyes latched onto to Orihime as if she was the first thing the girl had seen in months. She probably was.

"Oh god, help me, please help me," cried the child. "I've been here for, for so long. I'm not even sure- The last thing I remember was that I was walking home after work; my mom had asked me to pick up something from the store. Then-then I heard this terrible noise, this terrible—I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move…I don't know how I got here. I want to go home, please I just want to go home. I keep hearing things but there's never anyone there, there's no one there…never there…"

The girl dissolved into pitiful sobs, clutching Orihime's legs. This girl would never be able to go back to the world of the living. Her mind was broken or well on its way. To leave her like this…no…Orihime couldn't. She knelt beside the girl, gathering her in her arms.

"Shh…it's alright. You're going to be alright. Go to sleep now, when you wake up, this will all be bad dream. Everything-"

Her voice broke. She could feel the death grip the child had on her, stitches popped and fabric ripped, but the tremors ceased. The girl's eyes had closed and she was already half unconscious.

Behind her Aizen stirred. "Ulquiorra it seems as if Miss Inoue is undecided or incapable of taking action. Would you please-"

"No! I can do it. I will do it. Tsubaki-"

Whatever she was going to say died on her tongue. Her abilities resisted at first and she seemed caught in some kind of internal struggle. When they finally manifested they resembled her healing sphere encompassing Orihime and the sleeping girl. Reiatsu began to flow seeping from the sleeping form in her arms. The girl grew pale, and then the limbs became limp and lifeless, then the body itself dissolved into spirit particles, dissipating away until there was nothing left but Orihime.

She stood and turned to face her warden and her master.

"Orihime, you know what it is I wish to hear," said Lord Aizen, smiling again like a proud father.

The words came unbidden and on reflex. "My mind and body exist to serve Lord Aizen and his will."

"You have done well. Come," he said stretching out his hand to her. A moment passed before she placed her hand in his. "Ulquiorra tomorrow night we shall celebrate Orihime's accomplishment.

"Yes, Lord Aizen."

It seemed ages before she was dismissed and returned to her chambers. Orihime felt numb and stiff. Ulquiorra was still there, she could feel his presence on the periphery of her mind. He was watching her, studying her.

"You should rest." His voice sounded far away.

"Yes," she said, but remained still.

He walked forward and placed a hand on her shoulder, turning her around to face him. Her eyes were dull and unseeing, but otherwise she seemed fine, if not a little tired. Ulquiorra reached out to brush a thumb against her cheek and Orihime was surprised to find it came away wet.

"You're crying, onna."

"Oh, I hadn't noticed," she replied.

"There is no place for that here," he said. Her eyes flickered with anger while simultaneously, he registered a stinging pain blooming in his cheek. She had slapped him, hard enough to register on his hierro, hard enough to hurt.

Orihime turned away, walking over to the bed. She removed her shoes before climbing in. Before she knew it Ulquiorra was at her side. His fingers found the collar of her uniform. He pulled the zipper down, pushing the garb off her shoulders, before bending to tug on the skirt. Orihime grasped his wrist in her hand, calling a small amount of her power forth.

"What are you doing?" she asked, her voice was hard and accusatory. It was a tone he'd never heard from her and it stirred something in him, respect maybe?

"Your uniform is torn, remove it. I will procure you a new one come morning," he said. She was behaving strangely. She'd always been docile. Beneath her hand his flesh began to burn, but he held her gaze. This was new, she'd never behaved like this, used her powers in this fashion.

Orihime released his hand stepping away from him. She brought her hands to her hips, pushed the uniform the rest of the way off, then held it out at arm's length for him to take. She stood before him almost naked and unashamed. This, though, wasn't new; embarrassment had been stamped out of her long ago. He scrutinized her, trying to determine what was different about her. Finally he concluded that it was her eyes; they were empty and cold. There was nothing there of the girl Ulquiorra had brought to Hueco Mundo. Nothing remained at all.

He reported to Aizen the next morning.

"Ah, Ulquiorra. Tell me, how is Orihime Inoue?"

"Honestly, my lord, I'm not sure."

"What do you mean?"

"Her behavior has been abnormal since last night. She's…mourning that girl, I think."

"'You think'? Uncertainty does not become you."

"Last night after we returned I noticed her crying. When I reprimanded her for it, she-,"he paused then, reluctant to tell Aizen that she'd struck and later burned him. To relay such information would appear as if he were not in control of his charge and therefore incapable of carrying out his duties.

"She what, Ulquiorra?"

"She claimed not to be aware of it, and in truth it seemed that she wasn't. She continued in this manner throughout the night, even in her sleep. She is distant and does not talk or respond immediately when addressed… My lord, it has been my observation that when humans exhibit behavior such as this it is often followed by an attempt at taking their own life."

"You have nothing to fear. Orihime Inoue won't take her life now, even if she wants to. If it were possible for her to die it would mean that she has no purpose here. If that were the case, then in her mind, I would never have called for her. As long as she believes herself to be significant she will value her life."

"Yes, Lord Aizen."

"I would advise you, however, to keep close watch on her. While she may not try to take her life, she will most likely try to harm herself or seek punishment through you or any of the other Espada."

"What would you have me do, my lord?"

"What is it you think you should do?"

"My lord?"

"It is not a trick question. If she is so convinced that she should be punished, then punish her. However, be sure to define her crimes yourself, don't allow her to think that you are punishing her because she wants it or for what _she_ perceives as a crime. I want her to celebrate her actions from last night. Punish her for thinking they were wrong."

"Yes, Lord Aizen."

"And Ulquiorra?"

"Yes, my lord?"

"Wait until tomorrow or at least until after the meeting tonight. Leave her to her thoughts for now. That alone is punishment enough."

"Yes, Lord Aizen."

"Very good, you are dismissed."

In Ulquiorra's opinion, Orihime's condition deteriorated from then on. She didn't eat and rarely slept. While Lord Aizen had given him express permission to punish the girl, he had been unable to do so as of yet. She hadn't really done anything; her actions were really not all that different from when she had first arrived in Hueco Mundo. She simply seemed now more resigned to her fate. And hadn't that been the whole point? To have her discard those she claimed to love and accept the Espada as her new family instead?

The more he thought about it, the more he realized that there lay the heart of the matter, the point of discord to which punishment _could_ be applied. The girl had taken a new family, but whether she had definitively accepted it was questionable. While the girl had clearly lost hope, she still harbored doubt.

He entered her chambers late one night, not surprised to find her awake.

"Onna come with me." He led her from her chambers far into the bowels of castle. A keening wail emanated from the darkness.

She had been to this place only once before. It was where Aizen birthed the hollows he subjected to the Hogyoku. She knew he still experimented but apparently less often than before.

He led her to a small holding chamber that seemed empty at first glance. A low hiss interrupted in the silence of the cell. Orihime followed the sound to the top corner of the far end of the cell. She almost missed it. It was only the iridescent glow of its eyes in the darkness that alerted her to its presence.

As her eyes adjusted to the dark she began to make out more of the body; clawed hands and feet, a body made entirely of bone, a long tail that swayed lazily along the wall, and its _face_…Its face was narrow and filled with pointed teeth that reminded her of a deep sea viperfish. They were long and uneven, preventing the jaws of the hollow from closing fully. It ignored Ulquiorra completely keeping its gaze trained on her, smiling at her with those horrible teeth.

Ulquiorra's voice broke the silence. "Kill it."

"What?" She broke eye contact with it, to look at Ulquiorra, surprise evident on her face.

"He is of no use to Lord Aizen and has failed to evolve. Kill it."

"No."

"Explain your behavior as of late. Are you not a soldier of Lord Aizen's army?"

"Yes, but-"

"Were you not recognized for your achievements?"

Images of the dead girl's face flashed in her mind-peaceful in sleep, so panicked in her last moments. "What I did was _not_ an achievement!"

"How do you define what you did?"

"I killed someone, an innocent little girl. That's nothing worth celebrating."

_Crack._

Orihime thought that the hollow had moved to attack, that was how loud the crack was that filled chamber. It was only after the pain registered that she realized he had hit her.

"Did you not give her a merciful end?" he asked. His voice was quiet belying his actions.

"There's no excuse, no justification. Lives are precious-"

"You are wrong. You followed orders. That is all there is."

"No." The words were softly spoken but defiantly. He almost admired her brazenness. He stepped toward her fisting his fingers in hair to drag her to bars of the cell. Even so she continued, "My abilities aren't supposed to be used to harm another."

"You burned me that night. You purposefully used your ability to cause harm."

"I'm sorry, I was-"

"Do not apologize."

"My powers-"

"Your abilities are meant to be used for whatever Lord Aizen wishes. Is that not what you agreed to?"

She shook her head as best she could, her hands grasping desperately at his embedded in her hair. "No, my abilities are for healing and protection, they are not made to kill."

"Then why are you here?"

"I came to spare my friends; no one should have to die for me. If all he wants is me…"

"Then you are to do whatever is asked of you. There is no right or wrong. Say it."

"I won't."

She gasped in pain as Ulquiorra pulled on the fiery locks trapped in his hand, using them as leverage to press her against the cell."Kill it."

"No, please, it hasn't done anything. I can't."

Ulquiorra's hand fell to her shoulder heavy and insistent with a grip bordered dangerously on painful.

"Kill it," he said, his voice barely a whisper in the darkness.

"No."

A dull pop followed by a scream rent the air. Noises that Orihime belated realized came from her. He had snapped her clavicle under the pressure of his grip.

"Recite the pledge."

"…" She panted shallowly trying not to vomit.

"Say it, onna." Ulquiorra pressed cruelly on the broken bone, eliciting another scream from Orihime.

"My mind…and my body…exist to serve Lord Aizen… and his will."

"Tell me, what do you think will happen to this creature?"

She faltered for a moment, unsure of how to answer the abrupt change in questioning. "I-I don't know."

"It will be cast out of Hueco Mundo, where it will wander in the wastelands Las Noches. If it is lucky some other hollow will kill it, however, this is unlikely. It is stronger than most mindless hollows that exist in that wasteland."

"If it's so strong then why do you want to destroy it?"

"It has no reason, no capacity to evolve or to understand logic or cause and effect. It is useless to Lord Aizen."

"So what? Why does it have to be me?" She flinched in anticipation of reprimand for asking such an impudent question.

"It cannot be sustained by the weaker hollows. Where do you think it will go, once it begins to hunger?"

"…"

"It will go to the world of the living," Ulquiorra continued, unfazed by her hesitation, "where it will pick off the souls there one by one."

"Then someone will come for it. One of the soul reapers-"

"The same soul reapers, the same friends you wanted to spare? You would have them do the dirty work that you failed to do because you refused to sacrifice your pride, your so called morality? Tell me, Orihime Inoue, what is moral about that?"

"You're twisting things, that's not-"

"You asked me why it had to be you. It has to be you because you are best suited to the task. It has to be you because you must learn your place and accept it."

He considered for a moment opening the door to the creature's cell and letting it come for her. She would be forced to end it then. But in forcing her hand she would rationalize it and justify it. That was not acceptable. He wanted her to kill for simple reason of its existence not because she'd needed to out of self-defense. Ulquiorra moved to stand in front of Orihime, now on her knees. Her shallow pants of pain the only sound now filling the room, even the hollow seemed to sense its impending fate. The smile was gone.

Orihime heard a soft click followed by the sing of blade as it was freed from its sheath. It seemed so dark now where they were and the blade itself seemed to glow a cool pale green. Her body shivered in response to the new flow of his spiritual pressure and a feeling of cold dread settled in the pit of stomach. Her mind, however, couldn't seem to process, to comprehend the danger and acute fear that she felt.

Ulquiorra continued to stare down at her; his gaze unreadable. She felt the tip of the blade press into the softness under her chin, drawing it upright until he was sure she would meet and hold his gaze. The blade trailed down her neck and over her broken collarbone before it centered on the slope of her chest. There she felt it pulse and her own body answer in response. A new sound filled the air, haunting and ominous. The heavy rattle of chains- her soul chain- as Ulquiorra's zanpakato traced the thick links.

"Ulquiorra, please don't-"

His gaze became unfathomably cold and it occurred to Orihime that a change so quick and so subtle as that could just as likely have been meant to steel oneself as it could've been meant to feign nonchalance.

He moved quickly then such that she couldn't follow the path. She knew the beginning and the end point, and it was the end that filled her vision now. Her soul chain wrapped around his zanpakato with its very tip speared through a link and embedded in the concrete floor. Ulquiorra's gaze settled back on her then and Orihime watched as he twisted the blade forcing the width of it against the narrow link it was embedded in. The link popped and her soul screamed. Pain like she had never known blossomed, much worse in its intensity than the broken collarbone she was suffering from now.

"Stop! Stop, please-" Orihime begged. To her horror more sounds filled the air. Another quiet rattle, another quiet sickening pop, and this time Orihime screamed in unison with her soul.

"Heal yourself."

Orihime shook her head, she would not, _could_ _not_ use her powers. Not like this, not for this.

The sound of rattling metal came again and Orihime felt bile rise in her throat. His spiritual pressure rippled over her thunderous and demanding. She could feel her own wrestling free from her control. She watched as his zanpakato came down again through another link and begin a slow and painful twisting accompanied by the grinding sound of metal against concrete straining another link.

As she watched Orihime felt something inside her break and flow free. The entire level around them was suddenly bathed in golden light so intense it burned. She could feel it reject everything, rejecting Ulquiorra's oppressive spiritual pressure and healing the broken links in her soul chain and the broken bones in her body. Dimly in the back of her mind Orihime felt the hollow's existence wink out, its weak spiritual pressure bending under her own.

Gradually the light receded until there was nothing but the two of them in the dim light. Ulquiorra was on bended knee now, both hands gripping the hilt of his zanpakato, skin singed up past his elbows. He'd furthered his release to combat her own. Golden eyes stared back at her and the bone plate that usually adorned the side of his head had melted away.

She hated that he'd learned this about her. During the course of her reeducation to become loyal to Aizen, Ulquiorra had discovered that he could force her powers to manifest under extreme duress, namely the breaking of her soul. It was a self-preservation mechanism, one that Ulquiorra had no qualms exploiting.

"Does this give you pleasure? Seeing me like this, hurting me like this?"

"Onna, there is no pleasure or dissatisfaction in the things that I do. No joy or sorrow, nor right and wrong. There is only his will. My only purpose is to serve it by whatever means. Beyond that there is nothing else."

"If you continue to do this, one of us will die-"

"If it serves its intended purpose then it does not matter." Ulquiorra stood, sheathing his zanpakato as his bone mask melted back into place. "Come I will return you to your room and inform Lord Aizen of your progress. We are finished for the night."

"How much longer until this is over?"

"I have already said we are finished—"

"I mean this training, all of it. When is it over?"

"You truly want this to be over? Do you realize what you are saying? Finishing your training will you make a soldier of Lord Aizen's army—an enemy of your friends and all that they stand for. This won't simply end because you want it to, because you are too weak to endure."

"It's not that Ulquiorra. If we continue to prolong this, eventually more damage will be done than the reinforcement of the training you're trying to accomplish. There simply isn't enough time to mold me into a perfect Espada, something I can never be. I'm not dead."

Silence reigned in the chamber for a moment. It was a bold statement to make—a sensitive subject if ever there was one. If she was dead, her soul chain cut she would become just another hollow, one prime for Aizen's manipulation and Hogyoku experiments. Alive she was a more valuable bargaining chip at worst and at best an impetus for Ichigo Kurosaki. Alive the potential growth for her power could only be guessed at.

Finally, Ulquiorra spoke, "And so you want your final task, the culmination of everything that you've endured up to this point and for which you will be judged?"

"Yes, Ulquiorra, that is what I want."

"You won't hesitate? You won't cry and weep pathetically, lamenting over things that mean nothing?"

"They aren't meaningless, Ulquiorra. But, no, I won't. I won't cry. I will not hesitate."

"Very well then, I will inform Lord Aizen."

He came for again one week later, using the same words as always.

"Tonight Lord Aizen has requested your presence."

She followed him to the great hall. A path she walked so often now, she could do it in her sleep.

"I trust you are well, Orihime?" His calm, easy smile greeted her.

"Yes, Lord Aizen. You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, you see we have all gathered here for you, Orihime. Ulquiorra informs me that your training is going well, almost complete in fact. I'd like to see, first hand, of your progress."

So that was what this was, her progress report.

"Ulquiorra has taught me a great deal. He has helped me discover the true potential of my abilities-"

"You misunderstand me, Orihime. I asked to see, not hear, of your progress."

"I don't understand. How can I show you?"

"Do you know why it is I chose to put you in Ulquiorra's care? You see he has this unique ability to regenerate any non-vital body part, a trait that is lost among most hollows in the course of evolution. Even more remarkable is that he has honed this ability to such a degree that he can record and recall events that he directly observes at will."

Aizen smiled at her again. "And so I ask you again, Orihime, show me."

She turned, not at all surprised to see Ulquiorra standing behind her. His expression, as always, was unreadable. The same frown in place; the same cold eyes—their gaze trained on her. She knew what was being asked, what it was she had to do. She just never expected the brutality-the cruelty of it. What was worse she couldn't use her powers to do this task. There was no way her abilities could serve her.

It was the first time she had ever touched him.

Her left hand cradled his head, angling it to her advantage. She could feel the silky threads of his hair, hard edge of the bone plate at the tips of her fingers.

Orihime wanted desperately to close her eyes, but something about the way he regarded her forced her to keep his gaze, to look directly into his eyes.

She placed her thumb and forefinger at the each corner of his eye and her index finger on top centered over the iris and pressed. Two drops of blood appeared at the corners.

Orihime felt a slight give and then suddenly it was easier to more firmly grasp his eye. She curled her finger more securely around it and slowly drew her hand back. She heard a muffled pop and then suddenly his emerald-jeweled eye was there in the palm of her hand staring back at her, part of the optic nerve still attached.

"How do I…?"

"Crush it." She wasn't sure who said it. At her quick glance, Ulquiorra nodded in affirmation. She looked down at the eye again.

It was about the size of a large marble, the kind children used as a launcher to bump out the smaller ones. It was warm though not as wet as she thought it would be. When she closed her fist over it, the sensation was cross between the crunch of a grape under foot and the crumbling of a fortune cookie in the hand. A fine dust flew from her palm settling into the air around her, seeming to bend light until recognizable images formed for all to see. Images of her healing Grimmjow's severed arm, of killing that wretched girl who was found lost in Las Noches, of Ulquiorra's flesh being seared under the palm of her hand, of his zanpakato being held back by her golden Santen Kesshun sphere, images of a hollow's existence, deep in a dungeon being wiped out, an image of golden light coming at him in an attack that seemed very deliberate much like a cero would to its target.

Orihime saw her own face, many facets of emotions depicted in many instances. She saw it tear-stained, broken with sorrow and hopelessness. She saw the ugliness of anger marring it and the most lamentable expression of naïvety and innocence. She saw a face of longing and one of fierce determination, and the finally the cool mask of indifference. The images faded slowly away like the burning off of a fine mist.

She couldn't remember how the meeting ended, what was said or done. She didn't even know if Aizen was pleased. All Orihime knew was that she back in her chambers and that Ulquiorra was with her. His eye was still missing. The skin sunken in over the socket, dried blood still on his face.

"You knew."

He maintained his distance from her, seeming to not to want to be any nearer to her than necessary. Was she no longer his charge, she wondered?

"I suspected."

"Why did you agree then?" she asked.

"Because you asked."

"And if I had asked earlier? At the very beginning?"

"You would not have asked."

"You couldn't have known that!"

"You would not have."

"But if I had?" she pressed. She had to make sense of this.

"I would have refused. You weren't ready."

"What changed? What made you decide that I was ready?" She looked away from him, down at the floor, not sure she wanted to know this answer.

"You know what it is to kill out of necessity and also what it is to kill because you have the strength to do so. You are no longer ignorant of the potential of your abilities nor are you afraid of that potential. Isn't this what you wanted from the beginning? To become stronger, so you wouldn't be such a burden to your friends? So that no one else would be hurt because of you? You have what you sought after."

"I don't have a number." Even to her it seemed a foolish thing to get hung up on, but for some reason it mattered. How could she be one of them if she wasn't even valued enough to have a number?

"You wanted one?" He asked, eyeing her from his periphery. Did it hurt, she wondered, for optical muscles to work without having an eye to move?

"I—I don't know. I guess so. I am part of this now aren't I?"

"You were always a part of this. It's just that now your perspective is different. Talk to the others, well most of them. There are some you should probably avoid. In any case, we each have our own reasons for being here. It's not because we enjoy killing soul reapers."

"Why are _you_ here, Ulquiorra?"

"I didn't say ask me."

She nodded quietly unsure of how to respond.

Beside her Ulquiorra intoned, "If you want a number you'll have to kill one of us for it."

"I guess I'll have to deal then. I don't think Lord Aizen would appreciate me picking off the most elite members of his army. Ha ha." The laugh was forced, contrived. At his silence, she sobered, contemplating her thoughts.

He looked at her and wondered if she was aware that she could kill each one of them as easily as she made the statement. "'A comrade'. That's what Lord Aizen called me, 'a comrade to be welcomed to the family,'" she said.

"You aren't dead."

"What?"

"It sets you apart, your mortality. You are a comrade but we are not a family. We Arrancars have numbers and ranks; we are a separate entity. The soul society captains with Lord Aizen are another one. You are something else, something different, but now, no less important. You are one of the last pieces of the puzzle. Don't dismiss yourself because you lack a number. Sometimes lacking definition yields the greatest advantage against an opponent."

"What now, Ulquiorra?"

"I will continue to serve Lord Aizen, as will you. You have your orders and I have mine."

"You're to confront Ichigo aren't you?"

"And you are to mature the Hogyoku."

They sat in silence for a while, having reached an impasse.

"How did you find me?"

"Hm?"

"After the meeting, I left. You found me in the halls of Las Noches. How?"

"Oh, well I guess I followed your humming. My memory is kind of fuzzy about the end of the meeting."

"I can assure you that I have never performed an activity as frivolous as that," his voice was heavy with indignation.

"But you're doing it now."

"I am not." He looked so perturbed that she almost laughed.

"No, that's not what I mean. How do I explain it? Think of it as similar in the way you would locate someone by honing in on that person's spiritual pressure-"

"I've sealed mine; the only person who can find me is Lord Aizen."

"Let me finish," she scolded, "Instead of honing in on the signature of someone's spiritual pressure I can use the hum they make-the imprint they leave on the world. It-it's not spiritual pressure. I haven't quite figured it out yet, I only became aware of it when I was in the caja de negación. But everyone, _everything_ hums."

"I see. What are you doing?" She had closed to the distance between them. Her hand was reaching toward his face as though she might touch him.

"I wanted to see you, to make sure you're okay-"

"I'm fine, onna." He stepped away from her.

"They're here aren't they, Ulquiorra." Her friends, she could feel them somewhere in Las Noches.

"Based on what you just said, you already know the answer to that. What will you do?"

"What is expected of me."

Ulquiorra turned to face her fully. The change in her happens so quickly. In one instant she is the innocent girl he found in the Dongai Precipice. In the next she is a warrior- cold and elegant, a princess, as her name suggests. And he understands why Luppi, the former sixth, feared her so. Ulquiorra thinks he may fear her himself. He thinks that she holds the key to something inside himself, something he is not sure he is ready to find.

When Grimmjow takes her to Ichigo's body it is not as traumatizing for her as it should have been. It is not until she begins to work on him—on it, trying to reject the reiatsu around the hole in his chest that she truly begins to fear. She recognizes the spiritual pressure emanating from the hole, one that she has lived with for what seems like ages now. Ulquiorra's reiatsu is thick and heavy like a void, sucking everything away and leaving nothing in its place. Orihime feels the acute prickle of fear as she struggles to reject it. With everything that she has learned how to do, anything that has to do with him is still a battle.

Of all the Espada and all the different ways she was subjected to them, Orihime still maintained that on some level they could be defeated. That there was some weakness common to them that could be exploited given time. In Grimmjow's rage and rebellion, in Szayelaporro's madness, in Nnoitora's childish petulance, in Starrk's indifference, in Barragan's resentment over his usurpation, in all of them there was something. All of them but him. This is moment she begins to lose hope. This is when her steadfast faith in her friends waivers.

A pity since Ulquiorra isn't even there to see it, trapped in the same prison she had been so long ago.

She is sad but also happy. She will get her wish, she will see her friends. They will just die here with her.

She is at the foot of the Aizen's throne watching as he leaves. A pang forms in her chest as she realizes she will miss the man who looked on her like a daughter, even as she rejoices in his departure because it means that Ichigo will not fight him.

But even as Aizen leaves her heart drops into her stomach as she recognizes a new hum, _his _hum. Ulquiorra is here. It is he who will fight Ichigo and that is so much worse. Ichigo is not ready and Orihime knows this. She cannot say anything because he is trying so hard. Trying to save her, not even to win, just to bring her back.

_ That woman is already one of us. Even if you rescue her from here, it doesn't change that fact. Rescuing her is meaningless._

She doesn't have the heart to tell Ichigo that that girl he wants to rescue will never come back to Karakura Town. She is lost to Hueco Mundo. Ulquiorra is protecting her as much as Ichigo is not as a prisoner but as comrade.

She watches as they battle hoping against hope for an interruption or some kid of stalemate. Ulquiorra is treating this battle like a good spar and Ichigo is just barely matching him. But even so, this could still end well, she may not have to watch Ichigo die just yet. It's then that Ichigo opens his mouth. _Or is that you've become more human like me?_

Her blood runs and cold. The room is devoid of air or is it that her lungs have stopped working? In the end it doesn't matter because Ulquiorra releases a flare of spiritual pressure. It's so profound and so nostalgic, she's been caressed by it so often during her time here. The intensity of it forces air back into her lungs and she breathes again. Her heart grows heavier. Ulquiorra does not release his reiatsu for just anyone. He does not waste the effort on worthless trash. Ichigo Kurosaki is less than trash to him. The boy assumes that they share some commonality because he has a live in hollow. They are not the same. They are not equals.

Ulquiorra is angry now, though he would never admit it. Ichigo has dealt him the greatest offense. To be human, to be irrational and nonsensical, swayed by worthless emotions that have no place in a being of higher evolution. To be weak. His movements are faster now. Ichigo will not be able to follow but she can because she is one of them now. She has been forced to evolve and she knows she can stand against Ulquiorra.

The golden shield comes up over Ichigo. Orihime notes with a bit of pride the shock that registers on Ulquiorra's face. The student has surprised the teacher.

Loly and Menoly come out of nowhere. One of Loly's hands muffle her mouth while the other twists her arm behind her back. There is blood lust in her eyes. Orihime can see the murderous intent there. Loly means to kill her this time. Ulquiorra stands in front of her blocking Ichigo's race to come to her rescue. This is another lesson, as much for her as it is for Ichigo. The teacher is never done teaching. Ulquiorra knows she can stand on her own two feet. If she can stave off his zanpakato, she can easily kill Loly. _Do it yourself. _That is Ulquiorra's message. It is her first formal challenge from another Arrancar and he expects her to put the girl in her place and kill her.

Orihime has learned another lesson, though, in Ulquiorra's absence. If she waits long enough she doesn't have to kill. No one will force her like he forces her. No one but him is that willing to meet their death.

They are above the dome now and he is dying. Half his body has dissipated away. '_If you continue one of us will die._' He never really thought that it would be him.

He hates Ichigo Kurosaki even more. It should've been her that killed him; he could abide dying by her hand. The worse part about this is the realization that he is actually interested now. In her, her ideals, and in understanding her as a human. Now he will never know.

She was right.

He realizes now that he has failed in his mission.

He hadn't been able to mold her into a tool for Lord Aizen. She had never fully assimilated. She had become so powerful yet still managed to maintain her ideals, her foolish notions of friendship and love.

In the end she had been right. She had always been right.

*** _Fin _***


End file.
